Feeling Unsafe

I talk a lot about how to be safe while traveling. I often travel alone with just Willow and as a woman, safety is a big deal. That’s why I have my Nomad Safety Plan and I talk about What To Do If Your Vehicle or Camper is Stolen. I also have given several recommendations for items that you can keep on you for protection (and yes I had these, but did not have them physically on me which was unhelpful).

This story is not violent and does not have a “bad” ending but it does allude to themes of abuse and I do talk about my history of abuse and trauma, which might be triggering to those with a similar background or experience. Please read on with caution and take care of yourself.

Morning Events

I keep telling myself that the events of the morning put me on edge to start out with. But the more I tell this story to people, the more people are convincing me that my intuition is correct and this was absolutely not okay.

I needed to take Willow out for a walk. Earlier in the day, she who never growls and rarely barks was put on edge by someone messing with our door. I heard the clacking in the hall and then some kind of noise, and that caused Willow to bolt from her laying down where she was by the sliding glass door on the opposite side of the apartment to the front door. I rarely lock the deadbolt while my partner is gone so he can re-enter the apartment but the door is always locked. So I locked the deadbolt as a precaution because our door has no chain and no way to install one. I’ve never lived in an apartment that didn’t have a chain on the door. You can see from the photo that the doorway is not safe. If I try to open it a little, anyone I can’t see through the peehole can literally just barrel their way in and I have zero chance at preventing them from entering.

I am only bringing this up because it becomes important later in the story. I’m wearing pj shorts that could be considered short, but they cover everything. I also took one of my partners button ups to wear and had it fully buttoned from top to bottom. Nothing to write home about. It’s not revealing. I do have a swimsuit underneath but you cannot see it with the other clothing, because we made a pact to try and go swimming this weekend as it is the last weekend the pool is open and we haven’t used it yet. Spoiler alert: we don’t go swimming before the pool closes for the season. We will have to try again after Memorial Day of next year and try to use it before our lease it up.

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As I open the door a piece of paper falls. I look across to the door across the hall and there is a paper shoved in their door too. Okay, that’s normal and clearly what was the fuss earlier. To be fair, my partner and I have been complaining that the carts to bring up groceries are never available. We have a lot of elderly folks who live in the building and the stairs are not conveniently located. When you have a ton of groceries, it is super convenient to have a cart to haul your groceries up in the elevators. But you need to bring it back down. We ordered one of those fold up wagons so we would never have to worry about it again, but it looks like we weren’t the only ones who were upset about it. We were just the only ones who solved the problems ourselves and didn’t complain.

As I bend to pick it up and read what it says, Willow clocks someone in the hall & GROWLS for the second time that day. Normally, she is pulling me because she is excited to go out or she is in a hurry because she had got to go. If she sees someone, she is normally excited and is pulling me because she wants to go play.

She was not doing any of that. She was ram-rod, at attention with her hackles up and not at all interested in going anywhere near the person that she saw way before I did.

There is a dude, half obscured by the wall in the recess that has the elevators. Now, I don’t know all my neighbors. I’m not that type. I typically mind my business because that is how I grew up. My partner is completely different and because of Willow, I tend to talk to more people than I would if I didn’t have her. I will converse with anyone who talks to me or if I need to bring attention to something I will speak up, but while I am not unfriendly, I am just introverted. So I know Fern, the black cocker spaniel down the hall and I would be able to recognize her owner but I couldn’t tell you her name. Fern and Willow often play together because they have the same chaotic energy and enjoy jumping. It is very cute. I recognize several of the other dogs around the building though they do not live on our floor but I am very meh on their owners.

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The Creepy Guy In The Inappropriate Shirt

This guy just blurts out “you don’t have any kids with you do you?”

Being startled by both him & the WEIRDEST question you could ever ask a complete and total stranger I respond in what I think anyone would respond with.

“WHAT?!”

However, I was brought up in an unsafe home. I know from personal experience that the tone in which you use can cause someone to snap. You might not mean any harm, but it does something to that person. Looking the wrong way, ignoring them, etc. You may never know what it is that sets someone off if it only happens to you once. But if you grow up with that kind of danger, your body reacts differently. My therapist said some people don’t heal their PTSD because it keeps them safe. I get it now. It took a minute to knock the cobwebs off, but my body got back with the program fairly quickly.

The tone in which I responded must have given this guy some kind of confidence because he came out from around the corner and took a step towards me. Willow did not move. Normally if someone comes closer to us, she gets excited and does “tippy taps” or starts to whine or buck like a bronco because she is excited and I am normally holding her back. She was doing none of those behaviors.

I realized I’m in danger & if being nice was a strategy I wanted to use to save me – I just blew it – BIG TIME. At this point I’m full on panicking. The idea of me not being here to take care of Willow because of my mouth has made me sick to my stomach.

This is survival. I do not know this person. I do not know what he is capable of.

He comes out from around the corner & says, “I’m wearing an inappropriate shirt.”

To his credit, the shirt was awesome. Had he not gone about the interaction like this, I might have commented “nice shirt.” It said: “F**k them kids,” which, yeah obviously a parent might not want their little one to read that. But if you’re gonna wear a shirt like that, commit! Anyways,it gets weirder.

So at this point I am standing at my apartment door. I’m frozen as my body is trying to decide “fight or flight” based on previous experience I know not to move until he does. He is blocking two exits. Can he make it to my door & me before I can get back inside? I also have Willow to consider. She is friendly. She will not attack him, I don’t think even to protect me.

He was just standing there staring at me, which is why I mentioned what I am wearing. There is literally no reason to stare. I am not a supermodel. I might be pretty if I put in some effort, but I don’t even remember if I brushed my teeth that day. I know I wasn’t wearing any make up. My partner would scold me and tell me I am beautiful and would say that he could understand why anyone would stop and stare at me. In this scenario, that is not comforting.

The lapsed time between him saying he has an inappropriate shirt and the next comment is uncomfortably long. I am not moving, I am not talking on purpose, I have to watch my movements, my tone, etc. Nothing can be misunderstood as hostile or inviting and the best way to do that is to say nothing and do nothing. Blend in with your environment and be invisible. This is survival. I do not know this person. I do not know what he is capable of.

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Then he says, “you have a gorgeous dog.” Which reminds me, Willow still needs to go to the bathroom so fleaing back into my apartment where I would be trapped and he could just “wait me out” or try to barrel in after me and trap me in there with him is not a good idea. I need to get to where more people are.

I thanked him as evenly and as neutrally as I could. Ignoring men never goes well. He must have pressed the button for the elevators at some point because he then goes into the recess & calls out to me.

“Are you coming or are you going to catch the next one?”

I shout back, “No. She jumps on people.” I am locking my door at this point so he can’t make his way inside and wait for me there. The stairs are to my back and I am heading for them as soon as the door is locked.

I cannot remember what his exact response was even though I remember every single word of this interaction but this. Something like “I’m okay with that” or “I would be into that.” I just know whatever it was made the whole situation that much worse.

Whatever You Need To Do To Survive

TIP: If you need to fight someone, it is better to have more space, lots of things you can use to improvise as a weapon, slow your attacker down, etc. You want to be able to draw attention to yourself and make noise. You do not want them to be able to get you alone, in a small space or be able to take you to a secondary location. That elevator has no cameras and though the lobby does, he could have knocked me out in the elevator and taken me anywhere from there. That was absolutely not happening. I also have no clue what he could have done to Willow and the idea of that is almost worse than anything he could have done to me.

My body sprang into survival mode & protected me. I RAN FOR THE BACK STAIRS. I didn’t have to think. Years of abuse have conditioned every part of me & though I have been free for a long time it’s like riding a bike. Willow thinks it’s a game. I take the stairs two by two, & my head is on a swivel as we make it to the landing and I can see an area of grass where she can do her business and if necessary, we can get back up those stairs. I make sure we stay in full view of the camera by the garage door.

She does her “business” so we then enter through the garage with all the cameras. I kind of panic as I realize no matter what, I’m fish in a barrel. Once in the elevator, when the door opens, if he is waiting I have no choice. He could force his way in. I would be forced to try to get past him to leave or I could try to shut the slow ass elevator in time, but his hand would stop it easily. He could be waiting in the hall at my door. If I go up the stairs, I’m facing the same problem. He could be at my door and then I can only go back down. I run the risk of getting pinned with no cameras for proof of an assault or abduction. At least in the lobby there is some proof. But not on my floor.

Conclusion

I told my partner what happened when he came home. He said, “maybe it’s the guy who tried to pet Willow that one time & I told you she tried to run away from him & hit her head on the elevator door.” When he first told me that story, I found that odd. I am not joking when I say that Willow loves everyone. My partner said that he laughed about it at the time. Now he is concerned. I immediately started bawling and my partner just held me as I cried. He could be a neighbor I run into regularly?

Isn’t there a saying that goes something like if my dog doesn’t like you, I don’t like you?

Haven’t seen him since, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. It could have gone so many other ways. He could have said nothing. He could have said led with the shirt…but the hiding…the starring… that’s why I mentioned my clothing. I have traveled solo, been in the woods far from help & never felt this unsafe.

I HATE LIVING IN THIS APARTMENT.

This is why I miss my camper. I could just disappear, drive off and be in a different state or in a different timezone & this guy could never find me. I feel like a sitting duck. I know how to be inconspicuous on the road. I know how to not stick out and not draw attention to myself there. This is a completely different kind of unsafe to feel and I have not had the chance to process it in therapy, but I will.

I could not eat that day. I was so sick to my stomach over the whole thing and slept so horribly too. Really bad PTSD nightmares that unfortunately also kept my partner up that first night but things have gotten a little better as the days have progressed.

I already found a self defense class to brush up my skills. I also bought another thing of pepper spray to add to Willow’s lead so that I always have it with me. You can’t take pepper spray or tasers to work because they are considered weapons, so they are on my hiking backpack and that is why they were not with me. They weren’t on my keychain. I plan to talk to my supervisor at work tomorrow to ask if I can have a special accommodation due to the circumstances or if I can have some kind of locker where I keep them and I can pick them up and retrieve them on my way in and out of the building. I don’t want to leave them in the car and have them exposed to extreme temperatures.

I will never know if this person meant to make me feel this way or not. This person could just be existing in my apartment building and has horrible social skills and caught me on a bad day. But I won’t be a victim and I won’t be caught off guard again. I came into this world kicking and screaming, I planned on leaving it peacefully in my sleep due to old age, but if some malicious person has ill intent towards me I have zero problems leaving it the same way. Just know, I’ll be taking them or at least a chunk of them with me.